If you haven’t already please read part 1, because otherwise part 2 may not make sense. http://wp.me/p6dlxa-3
All I wanted was for her to be happy. She reasurred me if she was to die she would be; that it was the only way she could ever really be happy. Does dying really take away the pain of living?
She kept telling me that this is what she wanted. This was within the six months where she was feeling at her lowest. It was one of the hardest experiences of my life, it was so mentally draining. I hardly had time to spend with my other friends because I concerntrated solely on her. I was exhausted. I began to think that maybe the best thing for her really was to take her life. I saw her struggle on a daily basis and it was only getting worse. I had completly lost hope that things were going to get better. Although that didn’t mean I couldn’t try and change the way she felt.
I spent time looking online for ways to make yourself, and others, happy. I read her things that she should try, just little things like having a regular sleeping pattern (as her feelings of self-hate seemed to get stronger I found she was sleeping for long periods of time, she was often asleep by 8) . I spoke to childline online on several occasions when it was all getting too much. They were helpful in comforting me, but encouraged me to get her to visit their website- which she was reluctant to do. She had past the line, she didn’t seem to want help anymore.
I tried other things as well, I made a twitter account and asked people to send messages of encouragement for her, the account was anonymous so no one she knew it person would see and know it was her. It was amazing, around 100 complete strangers sent messages. I think it did show her that she is important and that if nothing else, I care about her a lot.
I don’t want to write the details of these few months, but just know it was incredibly hard for both of us. I constantly had to know she was okay, we would Skype every night until she fell asleep. Lying in bed listening to her heavy breathing down the phone became the only time I could really relax, knowing she was okay. I can’t really explain what I felt while she was this low, I was exhausted, but honestly I didn’t have the time to worry about my own feelings- or my life. Her life was completly my responsibility. That how it felt at the time.
Everything got too much so I decided to tell a friend about it ( I’ll call her A) A noticed I was upset at school and so I told her what was happening. I had the idea of telling a teacher at school about her feelings and A reassured me that although I had promised to keep my friends secret the best thing to do was tell someone, she could get help and would thank me in the future when she realises it was the right thing to do. So I listened to her advice and decided to finally tell someone.
Looking back, this was one of the worst decisions I could have made.
I am going to continue this when I get the chance, I would just like to say that my friend is still alive today and is working though her problems. This post reflects my feelings at the time, but I don’t want anyone to be left with the idea that she did end up commiting suicide. If anything I’ve talked about relates to you then don’t feel like you are alone, there are people to talk to, talking to someone is usually the best thing to do as it takes a huge amount of I am going to continue this when I get the chance, I would just like to say that my friend is still alive today and is working though her problems. This post reflects my feelings at the time, but I don’t want anyone to be left with the idea that she did end up commiting suicide. If anything I’ve talked about relates to you then don’t feel like you are alone, there are people to talk to, telling someone is usually the best thing to do as it takes a huge amount of pressure away from you.