Part Two- ‘How long can you keep someone alive who really doesn’t want to be here, there’s only so long it can go on, isn’t there?’ 

If you haven’t already please read part 1, because otherwise part 2 may not make sense. http://wp.me/p6dlxa-3 

All I wanted was for her to be happy. She reasurred me if she was to die she would be; that it was the only way she could ever really be happy. Does dying really take away the pain of living? 

She kept telling me that this is what she wanted. This was within the six months where she was feeling at her lowest. It was one of the hardest experiences of my life, it was so mentally draining. I hardly had time to spend with my other friends because I concerntrated solely on her. I was exhausted. I began to think that maybe the best thing for her really was to take her life. I saw her struggle on a daily basis and it was only getting worse. I had completly lost hope that things were going to get better. Although that didn’t mean I couldn’t try and change the way she felt. 

I spent time looking online for ways to make yourself, and others, happy. I read her things that she should try, just little things like having a regular sleeping pattern (as her feelings of self-hate seemed to get stronger I found she was sleeping for long periods of time, she was often asleep by 8) . I spoke to childline online on several occasions when it was all getting too much. They were helpful in comforting me, but encouraged me to get her to visit their website- which she was reluctant to do. She had past the line, she didn’t seem to want help anymore. 

I tried other things as well, I made a twitter account and asked people to send messages of encouragement for her, the account was anonymous so no one she knew it person would see and know it was her. It was amazing, around 100 complete strangers sent messages. I think it did show her that she is important and that if nothing else, I care about her a lot. 

I don’t want to write the details of these few months, but just know it was  incredibly hard for both of us. I constantly had to know she was okay, we would Skype every night until she fell asleep. Lying in bed listening to her heavy breathing down the phone became the only time I could really relax, knowing she was okay. I can’t really explain what I felt while she was this low, I was exhausted, but honestly I didn’t have the time to worry about my own feelings- or my life. Her life was completly my responsibility. That how it felt at the time. 

Everything got too much so I decided to tell a friend about it ( I’ll call her A) A noticed I was upset at school and so I told her what was happening. I had the idea of telling a teacher at school about her feelings and A reassured me that although I had promised to keep  my friends secret the best thing to do was tell someone, she could get help and would thank me in the future when she realises it was the right thing to do. So I listened to her advice and decided to finally tell someone. 

 Looking back, this was one of the worst decisions I could have made.

 I am going to continue this when I get the chance, I would just like to say that my friend is still alive today and is working though her problems. This post reflects my feelings at the time, but I don’t want anyone to be left with the idea that she did end up commiting suicide. If anything I’ve talked about relates to you then don’t feel like you are alone, there are people to talk to, talking to someone is usually the best thing to do as it takes a huge amount of I am going to continue this when I get the chance, I would just like to say that my friend is still alive today and is working though her problems. This post reflects my feelings at the time, but I don’t want anyone to be left with the idea that she did end up commiting suicide. If anything I’ve talked about relates to you then don’t feel like you are alone, there are people to talk to, telling someone is usually the best thing to do as it takes a huge amount of pressure away from you. 

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‘How long can you keep someone alive who really doesn’t want to be here, there’s only so long it can go on, isn’t there?’

This is my very first post; I’d like to write about a very personal topic. It can be something that is very hard to talk about, but it is equally hard to keep my memories of my experiences to myself. Suicide is a terrible thing, for somebody to think of themselves in such a negative way, so much so that they want to end their lives- is scary. I myself believe that suicides are often overlooked, not enough is done to help those who feel that way. However with that in mind, I would like to share thoughts from another perspective. What happens when you’re the person that is told about these thoughts by someone you care about? What if you’re the only person they trust with their secret? 

Someone very close to me told me she wanted to kill herself. Being completely honest, I don’t remember the first time I heard her say those words to me. I don’t even remember how long ago it was,  maybe two years. Those years have been a bit of a blur to me. 

Suddenly my whole life revolved around making her happy. She made me promise not to tell anyone. I cared about this girl so much, I still do, but she made my life hell. It wasn’t as full-on at first, she told me occasionally how she felt and I convinced her it was the wrong thing to do. Feelings that strong don’t seem to go away though, they only get stronger as you get weaker. 

For around six months is was constant. I found it impossible to cope with, everything I did was for her. She was my priority, I felt like her life depended on me. I believe that it did. I couldn’t turn my phone off, I had to be ready for a text at any time. She would tell me she was hurting herself physically, she would beg me to let her die. I would cry everytime she told me how she felt, I was scared. She made me promise not to tell anyone, I was the only one she could trust; I couldn’t let her down. 
Then I reached a stage that scared me even more. When this routine became normal. I could sit downstairs talking to my family, keeping a neutral face, whilst texting her, begging her not to do it. I began to learn what calmed her down when she felt very low, I knew what to say to make her feel better. I remember one particular time when she started to message me I was at a restaurant with my family having a meal. I remember thinking to myself how wrong it was that I could now deal with this without being emotional. I scared myself, how had this become so normal for me? It wasn’t because I knew I could stop her doing it, because I didn’t. Each time she got worse, each time I thought that this was it.

 It was exhausting. The lowest point was on Christmas Eve. My family was over but she was upset. I was in my room texting her. That was the worst point for me, the things she said to me were just so hard to hear. That was the time when I had realised that at some point she would kill herself. It seemed inevitable. I finally accepted to myself on Christmas Eve that soon it was really going to happen. I couldn’t stop her any longer. I had cried hours because I couldn’t face loosing her. I remember thinking ‘How long can you keep someone alive who really doesn’t want to be here, there’s only so long it can go on, isn’t there?’. There didn’t seem to be anything I could do, I had tried everything. She wanted to die now, she tried for so long but she wanted to end it, and I just wanted her to be happy. 

I am going to continue this when I get the chance, I would just like to say that my friend is still alive today and is working though her problems. This post reflects my feelings at the time, but I don’t want anyone to be left with the idea that she did end up commiting suicide. If anything I’ve talked about relates to you then don’t feel like you are alone, there are people to talk to.